


i'm on the huntdown after you

by measleyweasley



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: M/M, birdlaw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-27 15:56:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20410402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/measleyweasley/pseuds/measleyweasley
Summary: Lawyer needs to ask Charlie something. Charlie needs to not get murdered.





	i'm on the huntdown after you

Charlie always figured he would kick it in some grisly way.

Maybe it would be badass and he’d get to go out in a hail of bullets. When he’s ten beers in and his spraypaint is looking particularly inviting, he admits to himself that it’s a lot more likely to be pathetic. If Frank keeps insisting on driving without his glasses, it’ll be a gory but probably quick end. 

Murder is not super high up on Charlie list of potential causes, but it’s there. When he and Mac thought Luther was coming after them for his drugs he had briefly considered it, but decided that if Luther killed Mac first Charlie could probably get away and start his life over under a new name, laying low in the sewers until Luther got tired or forgot.

He’s thought about it at other times, too. Like when they got kidnapped at the Jersey Shore. Or when they went to that crazy wedding in the middle of a tree-infested nowhere and the McPoyle zombies almost ate him. Or that other time the McPoyles took them hostage. Charlie scowls. Man, those guys were assholes. Or when Lawyer challenged him to that duel.

It’s that last one that has Charlie crouching behind a garbage can and peering around to make sure he’s lost him.

Charlie spots Lawyer with his hand on his hip and rubbing his forehead in confusion with the other. He’s also panting a little. Since Charlie had bolted when he’d heard the “Mr. Kelly!” and turned around to see who was calling him, Charlie’s surprised he’s not more out of breath. Charlie feels like he’s inhaling straight nitrous oxide he’s wheezing so hard.

He’d really thought Lawyer had forgotten about their unfinished business considering he hadn’t come after Charlie before now. Apparently not.

Lawyer stands there for a few seconds longer, looking around as if Charlie’s going to jump out from behind one of the street vendors and shout “Surprise!” To Charlie’s relief, Lawyer finally throws his hands up and walks off, shaking his head and mumbling something Charlie is too far away to hear.

Charlie sighs. That had been _close. _

*

The next day, Lawyer comes by the bar looking for Charlie.

Charlie doesn’t hear him come in. He’s been in the back office for the better part of an hour trying to come up with lyrics for jingle for Mac and Dennis’s latest business venture. They won’t let him sing about anything cool like spiders or ghouls or the power of friendship. As he’s trying to think of a word that rhymes with “sunscreen” (for the Paddy’s Summer Edition Pale Ale) he hears a new voice doing its best to be heard over the inane chatter of the rest of the gang.

“-tell me where Mr. Kelly is, the sooner I can get out of this dump you call a business.”

Shit shit shit. Surely Lawyer isn’t going to shoot him in front of witnesses?

Charlie panics and looks around for an escape route. He hauls himself into the air vent before he hears the office door opening.

“Huh, I thought for sure Charlie was in here,” Mac’s voice says.

Charlie assumes it’s Lawyer who lets out an irritated huff.

“Well if you see him, can you tell him I’m looking for him?”

Oh, so now Lawyer thinks he can employ his friends to threaten him? Well he can think again! Charlie knows the gang will have his back for sure.

“Look, man.” Mac’s voice lowers and Charlie hears the office door click shut. “I didn’t want to say this in front of the rest of the gang, but I know why you’re really here and it’s not for business, is it?”

Charlie knows the gang will have his back except for Mac, who is apparently both a rat fink and a traitor.

There’s a long pause. Charlie tries not to shift in the air duct.

“I don’t know that I should be discussing this with you.”

“Hey man, it’s cool, I toootally understand. I personally wouldn’t go after Charlie, but I see the appeal, if you know what I mean.” No, Charlie doesn’t know what he means. Does Mac want to kill Charlie too? Is this payback for the time Charlie accidentally taped over Mac’s wrestling videos? Oh god.

Mac continues. “So I’m gonna do you a favor and help you out.”

“Considering the last time you and your little gang of miscreants tried to do me a favor you threatened to rape my wife, you’ll have to understand why I’m gonna go ahead and decline that offer,” says Lawyer’s’ voice in a biting tone.

“Fine, have it your way,” Mac says in what Charlie thinks is mock surrender. “But good luck getting him on your own. I’m sure he’s over the Kitten Mittens thing by now.”

There’s a pause.

“He’s not still upset about that, is he?”

Charlie is a little surprised to realize he isn’t. It had been a dick move, for sure, but he and the gang were dicks all the time. Charlie had just chalked the mittens business up to karma for some other fucked up thing he’d done. Besides, the main investor for Kitten Mittens had backed out anyway, so it’s not like Charlie lost out on a fortune or anything. He can’t say any of that, though, so he tunes back in to the conversation.

“Why are you offering to help me?” Lawyer says, suspicion clear in his tone.

“Well we’re on the same team, aren’t we?”

“You can stop winking at me.”

“Sorry. Besides, it might be good for him.”

_Good for him? _

“But I gotta warn you, Charlie’s pretty naïve so you might wanna take it slow, ease him into it.”

Charlie feels his stomach turn. It hurts that Mac not only wants him dead and is helping his would-be killer, but that he wants to draw it out.

Finally, after what feels like an eternity to Charlie who’s starting to feel lightheaded from the claustrophobia of the vent, Lawyer relents.

“Fine. I have a business meeting in half an hour-” Charlie hears some clicks and shuffling paper sounds. He has panicked thoughts of a briefcase filled with drugs, money, and hand-sized firearms with the serial numbers conveniently filed off. It would be badass if his best friend and a dude who hated him weren’t planning on killing him and throwing his body in the Schuylkill River. “Call me tonight and we can talk about this at length. And I’m running low on business cards, so do try not to eat it.”

“Sure, man. Leave it to me and Charlie will be eating out of your hand in no time. By the way, how do you feel about ghouls?”

Charlie hears the door click open and shut, but waits a few more minutes before shimmying out of the vent. A lot of questions run through his head as he tries to focus back on his song draft, such as, but not limited to: _Why does Mac want to kill me? How are they going to kill me? _And, _Is eating out of someone’s hand slang for strangling? _

*

Charlie decides the worst thing he can do is let Mac know he knows. If he can play it cool until he figures out what their game plan is, he should be good. He just needs to act as normal as possible. Normal. Right. He can be normal. He’s the normalest guy in town. He resolves to do his best to project the image of a man who doesn’t know that he’s being hunted for sport.

“Dude, I like the look, but is there a reason you’re wearing head-to-toe camouflage?”

Charlie startles, almost dropping the mop he’d been swabbing the bathroom floor with. He wasn’t mopping so much as rearranging the dirt, too preoccupied with thoughts of his premature death.

“Oh uh, hey man! What’s up!” Charlie turns around and gives Mac his biggest smile. The casual effect he’s going for is ruined by the death grip Charlie has on the mop. Mac looks at it suspiciously, which is fair since Charlie isn’t holding it so much as wielding in front of him like a bo staff. “I’m just mopping the floor in my normal clothes like I always do here at Paddy’s Pub! Did you need me for something? No need to corner me in the bathroom like a rat, man!” Charlie’s voice is high and squeaky, breaking on every other word as he forces a laugh.

Mac squints at him, looking like he wants to ask another question or twenty as Charlie tries to discretely skirt his way towards the door.

“Riiiiiight. Anyway!” Mac claps his hands together causing Charlie to jump again. “I just wanted to talk to you for a quick second, mano-a-mano.”

Charlie’s voice ratchets up an octave higher. “No! I don’t think we need to go mano-a-mano. I think we should keep our manos to ourselves and not use them to strangle poor unsuspecting janitors who have so much to live for!”

Charlie bolts for the door but Mac grabs his arm before he can reach the handle and drags him back. He doesn’t let go of his grip on Charlie’s arm as he looks him in the eye. Mac says, with all the patience of a saint,

“Charlie, what the shit are you talking about? And why are you so sweaty?”

“Nothing! Absolutely nothing! And no reason! I’m not talking about anything, and I’m certainly not scared! In fact, I don’t even know anything! Especially not about your plans to kill me! No way would I know anything about that! Haha you’re so crazy man!” To his credit, Charlie’s never been good at lying.

The suspicion on Mac’s face is replaced with downright confusion and his grip loosens. “Kill you? What the hell are you talking about, Charlie? You're my best friend, why would I want to kill you?”

Charlie deflates, sagging in Mac’s grip. “I don’t know, Mac, you tell me! And while you’re at it, who don’t you tell me why that lawyer's after me? It’s because I stood him up for that duel and now he’s come to finish the job, isn’t it? Oh god, I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man walking, I gotta get outta town, I gotta take Dee's car and get outta Philly A-S-A-P.” Charlie makes another break for the door but Mac tightens his hold.

“Whoa whoa, Jesus, Charlie! Slow down. He’s not trying to kill you. Why the hell would you think that?”

“He chased me down the street!” Charlie shrills desperately.

Mac gets that sanctimonious look on his face, the same one for when he’s about to lecture the gang about the dangers of Protestantism.

“Yeah, because you ran from him! He was just trying to ask you something before you took off.”

Charlie lowers the mop a little. “What was he going to ask me?”

Mac looks away. “I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

Mac ignores the question. “Look man, all I know for sure is that he wants to apologize. Y’know, for the whole Kitten Mittens thing and for being rude about your hooker gift that one time and stuff. He realized he was being a total jerk about it.”

“Oh.” Charlie’s shoulders relax, his whole body going loose with relief before he has another thought, gesturing at Mac with the mop. “Did he apologize to you guys for stealing your shit, too?”

“Oh no, he said he wanted to apologize to you first. In person. _Alone_.” Mac raises his eyebrows for emphasis.

Charlie straightens up a little at that. “Right, yeah, of course. We are both men of the law, makes sense that he would want to pay me my due desserts. You know, I never did get satisfied by him.”

Mac turns a strange shade of red and bites his lip. “Well,” Mac says, voice high-pitched and giggly, “swing by his office tomorrow and I’m, uh, sure he’ll be able to satisfy you.”

*

When Charlie gets to the office, he takes it as a good sign that Lawyer’s secretary just waves him through with a strained smile instead of immediately calling security.

Still, even though Mac had told him Lawyer wasn’t out for his blood, Charlie decides not to take any chances as he stops himself at the last second from barging in and after a moment of hesitation knocks on the office door.

“Come in.”

_Best behavior, _he thinks. He plasters a big smile on his face and opens the door.

“Hey, lawyer man!” He says with more confidence than he feels.

“Mr. Kelly.” Lawyer says, inclining his head. “So glad you could make it. Would you mind closing the door behind you?”

“Huh? Uh, sure, right, yeah, you got it,” Charlie babbles, remembering how Mac had said “_alone” _and shuts the door softly behind him.

“Why don’t you take a seat?”

Charlie hesitates, but sits. At least if this is a trap he has his back to the door instead of the room. Charlie knew _Thundergun Express _would prepare him for danger sooner or later.

“So, uh, you wanted to-wait,” Charlie starts then stops. “You, uh,” he gestures at his own face with his hand. “You wear glasses?”

“I do. For reading,” Lawyer says, lifting up a packet of papers by way of explanation.

Fuck, he’s had a thing for glasses ever since second grade when Mrs. Marcino switched from contact lenses to a pair of red cat-eye glasses. Charlie absolutely does not think about librarian porn as he avoids looking directly at Lawyer’s face.

“Oh. Uh, cool. You look cool.” Charlie colors. “I mean they look cool, cool on you. Yeah. Mac said you wanted to talk to me?” He nods, discretely wiping his palms on his jeans.

“Thank you,” Lawyer says, politely refraining from commenting on Charlie’s sudden brain failure. “And yes, I did. As you may remember, the last time I spoke to you I was in the middle of a messy divorce.”

Charlie nods though he’s not really sure where Lawyer’s going with this. He waits for him to continue, still avoiding direct eye contact.

“Well, my therapist has helped me realize that I have a habit of lashing out at others when I’m upset.”

Charlie looks up at that. “I’m sorry dude, but what does you being cuckoo have to do with me?”

Lawyer opens his mouth but Charlie watches him bites back whatever he was about to say and instead take a deep breath before speaking.

“What I’m trying to say is that I’m making amends to the people I hurt during that time. So I’m rescinding your restraining order and signing back over the rights to Kitten Mittens.”

Charlie doesn’t know what to do in light of that information. “Whoa, seriously, man?”

“On my honor,” Lawyer says, holding his hand up in a Boy Scout salute.

“The thing I wanted to ask you,” he continues before Charlie knows what to say, “is if I could take you out for an apology dinner.”

“You don’t have to do that. You already gave back the Kitten Mittens and got rid of the restraining order so as far as I’m concerned we’re good.”

Lawyer leans forward on his desk, making eye contact with Charlie for the first time since Charlie noticed his glasses and shit, he’s thinking about his glasses again.

Lawyer smiles in a way that makes Charlie feel hot all over. “If you’ll remember, we never did have that duel.” Lawyer must see the panic in Charlie’s eyes because he sits back and holds his hands up. “I'm just saying, this can be our way of clearing the air.”

“I mean, if you’re paying,” Charlie says before he can think better of it, or think at all.

The corner of Lawyer’s mouth tugs up. “You know Guigino’s?” Charlie nods dumbly, deciding it’s for the best if he keeps his mouth shut and prevents this from getting any weirder than it already is. “How about tomorrow, seven o’clock?” Charlie nods again.

“Great! I’ll see you then. Make sure to close the door behind you,” Lawyer says, and winks before going back to his paperwork.

Charlie bangs his leg on the arm of his chair on his way out. He doesn’t feel it.

*

Charlie wakes up the next morning with butterflies in his stomach and an alley cat chewing on his best tie.

“Bernard!” He glares at the offending cat currently sitting on his hotplate. Charlie thinks he looks more self-satisfied than any cat has a right to be as he pulls the cheap polyester to shreds.

Charlie groans and hauls himself out of bed. The gray tabby licks his hand as he picks him up and deposits him back out onto the fire escape. 

He immediately wants to throw himself back into bed when he sees that Bernard has also taken the liberty of burying his cleanest shirt in the litter box.

_There’s nothing for it,_ he thinks as he picks up his flip phone and hits speed dial.

“Hey, Dee! You still have that blazer you bought from the men’s section?”

*

“Name?”

“Huh?”

Charlie blinks at the hostess standing in front of him. She smiles at him politely.

“Your reservation. What name is it under?”

“Oh, uh, I was just supposed to meet him here at seven. He’s a lawyer? Really tall, kind of tan? If you let me have a look around I’m sure I can find-“

“Mr. Kelly!”

Charlie ignores the hostess and makes his way over to the table where Lawyer’s standing, visible a good head and shoulders above the wait staff milling about. He tries to calm his racing pulse as he crosses the main floor. He plasters on his biggest smile so that at least he won’t look as nervous as he feels.

“Hey, Lawyer man!”

“Mr. Kelly.”

“Oh dude, you can call me Charlie.”

“Okay then. Charlie.” Lawyer’s not glaring or threatening him, which is good. He’s doing more of a polite half-smile as he gestures for Charlie to sit.

Charlie takes a seat and fights the urge to fidget nervously. He’s thankful to see Lawyer’s forgone the glasses for their dinner.

Charlie picks up the menu and pretends to read it just to have something to do, feeling very uncomfortable all of a sudden. Or maybe he’s been on edge since he walked through the door, not really sure what to expect from dinner. He hadn’t really imagined how dinner would go, but as Lawyer looks at him mildly he realizes that he’s expected to _talk. _If he were with the gang he would ramble on about whatever he did that day or about something the Waitress did before they all got into a fun round of insult-the-shitty-waiter. But now that he’s actually at the table with Lawyer, he can’t think of a single thing to say.

He takes a gulp from his water glass and settles in for what’s sure to be the most awkward hour and a half of his life.

*

Eventually the waiter comes to take their orders (steak for Lawyer, spaghetti for Charlie) and they manage to keep up a pretty lively conversation before Charlie remembers something.

“You know I meant to say yesterday that I think that’s really cool of you, man.”

Lawyer straightens up a little in his seat. “What is?”

“That you apologized for being a jerk. It’s hard to admit when you’re wrong, you know?” Charlie twirls some spaghetti with his fork. “While we’re here I guess I should also apologize for the hooker thing. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to get you to sex her up when you were like, still in love with your wife.” If he can be honest, Charlie had gone along with Dee’s hooker plan because it’s what would have cheered the other guys up and he thought it would be the same for Lawyer. Well, maybe Mac wouldn’t have appreciated it. A guy hooker for sure though. Man, Mac really needed to get a boyfriend, if for no other reason than Charlie thinks it’d make him chill out for once and keep him from having clandestine meetings with lawyers.

“-gay.”

Charlie stops his twirling. “Sorry what?” Did he say all that out loud? Or was Lawyer secretly telepathic?

Lawyer gives him an irritated look but takes a calming breath and tries again. “I was saying that the other thing my therapist and I discussed was the reason for my divorce. I loved my wife but I didn’t _love _my wife which wasn’t healthy for either of us.”

“Okaaaaaay.” Charlie smiles confusedly, popping a meatball into his mouth.

“I’m saying that we divorced because I’m gay.”

Charlie spits out the meatball. It hits their waiter square in the chest. 

“I take it you’re surprised?” Lawyer says flatly as Charlie scrambles to reassure Lawyer before he gets the wrong idea.

“No! I mean yes! I mean Mac is gay, but he’s annoying and you’re nothing like him, but so is Country Mac! Gay I mean, not annoying. Or he _was _gay before he died of alcohol poisoning, so maybe he wasn’t as cool as we thought? But he was still just as gay after his death as he was before. And Mr. Vermhatt! He's gay even though it doesn’t come up a lot in my dreams, but he's cool, you get what I’m saying?”

The only word that Charlie can use to describe the expression on Lawyer’s face is bewilderment. Artemis taught him that word when they were working on the trainwreck that was “The Nightman Cometh.” He doesn’t get a lot of chances to use it, but if someone were to ask him to describe Lawyer’s face, he would say it looked bewildered. Charlie admits to himself that nobody _has _asked him, but Charlie still feels he has done a thorough bewildering.

“Are you saying,” Lawyer says after a long pause, “that you think I’m also “gay and cool”, or that me being gay is cool?”

Charlie smiles awkwardly. “Both?”

“Ah,” Lawyer says. Charlie waits for him to say more. “Well.” Lawyer pauses again. His expression is inscrutable. That's another word Artemis taught him. 

Finally, Lawyer slowly nods. “Thank you,” he says carefully. 

“Anytime, dude.” Charlie does his best to make his smile reassuring.

They sit in an awkward silence for another minute, Charlie this time making sure to chew his meatball into mush this time. He swallows and looks up at Lawyer who’s intently cutting his steak into neat slices. Charlie ignores the way his hands grip his fork and knife and fishes for something to say.

“So, uh, what’d you do today?”

Lawyer stills his cutting and thinks for a minute. “Well since you asked, I won a case this morning actually.”

“Oh, really?” Charlie knows God isn’t real but thanks him anyway that Lawyer has given him a good conversation opening.

“Yes, would you believe the person I was defending had secretly been keeping a pet seagull in their apartment? And the landlord…”

Charlie puts down his menu.

He has a feeling dinner won’t be so bad after all.

*

“Oh, before you go, I wanted to give you this.”

Charlie lets go of the door handle and turns around in his seat to face Lawyer. He looks down at the tiny plastic bag in Lawyer’s hand and immediately lights up.

“Oh dude! I love magnets! How’d you know? You trying to romance me or something?”

When Lawyer doesn’t answer, Charlie looks up from his magnets. For the first time all night Lawyer won’t meet his eyes. He looks a little red in the face and rubs his neck awkwardly. Things click into place.

“Was this a date? Wait, was this what you and Mac were talking about in the office?”

Lawyer looks up at that, slight betrayal in his eyes. “He told you about that?”

“Oh no, I was in the vent, overheard the whole thing.”

“The vent.” Lawyer looks away, shaking his head and gesturing sarcastically with his hands. “Yeah, no, of course. Of course you were in the vent. How silly of me. Where else would you have been?”

“Hey dude, don’t get mad at me. You’re the one who was acting like he wanted to kill me. You can’t blame a guy for making himself scarce.”

“Do you assume that everybody who likes you wants to kill you or am I special?”

“Hey! To be fair you _did _threaten to kill me once and-wait, you like me?”

Lawyer’s eyes bug. “_You’re_ the one who asked me if this was a date! What do you think?”

“I know I did it's just-“ Charlie rolls his shoulders, cracks his neck to stall for time. He looks out the windshield.

“Nobody’s ever liked me before.” The admission feels thick and awkward in his mouth.

“Oh.”

Charlie laughs hollowly. “Yeah. In fact, I would say a lot of people actually hate me. You’re not the first person to get a restraining order against me you know. I know I’m not a lawyer like you but you don’t need to be all sarcastic and-and make me feel like a stupid dumb idiot for asking questions. If you wanted to ask me out you should've just done it instead of acting all suspicious.”

“You're right,” Lawyer says. Charlie sits with his arms crossed tightly and waits for him to continue. “I would have asked you if you hadn't run away, but when you came by the office I should have said what I really meant instead of letting Mac get to me. And if it’s any comfort, I don’t really care about how smart you are.”

Charlie shifts but doesn’t look over. “Really?”

“You’re funny, and sweet, and you like cats, and you’re cute when you get nervous. Those are the things I like about you. I’m sorry if I was…” Charlie glances at him as Lawyer hunts for the right word. “insensitive. My therapist and I are working on it. She says I use sarcasm when I’m feeling _vulnerable._” Lawyer says the last word in what must be an impression of his therapist that makes Charlie want to giggle.

Still, Charlie doesn’t uncross his arms. “Well how do I know you’re not using me to get back at your ex-wife?”

“Why would I get back at my ex-wife? We got divorced because I realized I’m gay, remember?” Lawyer says gently, clearly trying not to upset Charlie by correcting him again.

“Right, yeah, forgot about that. Sorry.” Charlie sheepishly rubs at his hair and finally turns to face Lawyer. “Me and the gang are just sort of used to getting back at people and one-upping each other. It’s kind of our thing.”

“I’ve noticed.”

They fall into silence and Charlie wonders if Lawyer’s waiting for him to get out of the car.

Lawyer breaks the silence. “But to answer your question, this is only a date if you want it to be.”

Charlie mulls that over. He’s never really thought of men that way, if only because he's spent so much time being obsessed with the Waitress. But she's got a new boyfriend now and Lawyer’s handsome and smart and is slowly proving not to be so bad.

“I could be innemable to that,” Charlie says slowly, fingering the bag of magnets in his hand. “I gotta ask you something first, though.”

Lawyer looks at him consideringly. “Alright.”

“Can you wear your glasses on our next date?”

Lawyer kisses him instead of answering, but Charlie’s pretty sure he knows the answer anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> -Title taken from Duran Duran's Hungry Like the Wolf  
-Charlie is trying to say "amenable" at the end. He's doing his best!


End file.
